Milan Busk @KarolusWangus kicks off the thread: “The conquistadors are coming! Hide our women!” Then the twist: “*Ship unfurls Ottoman banner*” followed by “… Hide the men!”
Islamic Scientific Heritage replies with “What if Ottomans discovered America first” and an illustration of a turbanned Ottoman official shaking hands with a Native American chief on a sun-drenched beach, Ottoman ship anchored offshore. The implication? Conquistadors raped and enslaved the women. The Ottomans? They’d take the men for devshirme (the child levy/Jannisary corps). Same colonialism, different target demographic.
Gorgocutie’s Take
The Ottoman-Native American handshake goes hard. Green robes, feathered headdress, palm trees, big ship in the background — this is the historical fanfic nobody asked for but everyone needed. The joke lands because both sides were brutal, just in different flavors. Columbus’s crew wanted gold and women; the Porte wanted soldiers and boys. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. At least the Ottomans brought better drip.
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